Thou Mayest
by friendsidol5
Summary: She had to know she would never be alone. No matter what.


**AN: I wrote this fairly quickly and I'm not sure that it's very good but I wanted it out of my head before the premiere. (Only 20 more hours here on the west coast.) Takes place between the S3 finale and S4's premiere. I took the liberty to fudge some of the timeline.**

**Song in the breaks is "Timshel" by Mumford & Sons. I heard it again on my iPod a few months ago and could just hear it playing over a tense waiting room scene.**

**Hopefully someone enjoys this. Read & review. I always appreciate feedback.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own _Castle._ On Tuesday I'll be adding Season 3's DVD Set and _Heat Rises_ to the collection of things I do own though.**

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><p><em>Cold is the water<br>It freezes your already cold mind  
>Already cold, cold mind<em>

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><p>Cold. Cold and a heavy pressure on her torso. That's all her brain could seem to process. Other thoughts were brief as her shadow's face came into sight. <em>What was that bang? Why am I so cold? Is that the sky?<em>

Bits of the chaos around her began to sink in as the shock from the bullet and the ground gave way to her body's natural shock response to blood loss. _Am I bleeding?_

The dark and the cold were almost complete when her brain finally caught up and caught his eye.

"I love you…" _I knew it. Wait._

The cold finally won the battle.

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><p><em>And death is at your doorstep<br>And it will steal your innocence  
>But it will not steal your substance<br>_

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><p>She still felt cold. Looking down she knew why. <em>So this is what and out-of-body experience feels like.<em> She was lying on the operating table, eyes closed to the flat line on the monitor. _Well that explains the cold._

The doctors were doing all they could, she was NYPD after all, but that didn't change her mortality. There were only so many tries they could give before her brain gave up as well. It was nearly the end of her window when the monitor stuttered and started beeping once more.

With her heart back, and hopefully her brain as well, some of the cold began to fade into a warm pain and a medically dulled ache.

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><p><em>But you are not alone in this<br>And you are not alone in this  
>As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand<br>Hold your hand  
><em>

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><p>When Kate Beckett opened her eyes, she knew something big had happened. She was too groggy to know how long it had been since her eyes had closed, but she knew it was not mere hours before a night's sleep. The second indication that things had shifted was the steady beeping behind her head and the lack of any feeling between her stomach and neck.<p>

As her eyes focused she was only mildly shocked at the sight in front of her. Two men were on either side of her bed, fast asleep and looking exceedingly uncomfortable. The natural increase in her heartbeat seemed to rouse the younger man from his sleep and, as he turned to focus, she was met with a bright set of blue eyes staring back.

"Hey, you're awake! How do you feel, save for the obvious pain? Is it bearable?"

"Yeah," she croaked out, causing her to look for something to sooth her aching throat. A look back at the man on her right found him holding out a glass of water for her, bendy straw included. "Thanks Ryan. How long have you and Espo been here?"

"Not long. It's about 1 AM." Ryan answered with a glance at his watch. "We came after work so that your dad and Castle could get a night in a bed and a real shower."

Kate smiled slightly; it didn't really surprise her that someone had been here most of the time, she figured as much. She was relieved to hear that her dad was being looked after, even if for the night. It also warmed her that _her_ boys cared enough to sit with her, even if they both had passed out; she could only imagine how long they had been working lately.

Their hushed talking seemed to be enough to wake the last person in the room. As his senses righted themselves, he looked up with a smirk, "It's about time you woke up Beckett. Two days without you and the precinct is already falling to pieces."

"Seriously? Two days?" Kate asked, slightly disbelieving.

"Yeah," Kevin responded this time. "And, I know you have the whole 'recovery' thing to take care of, but do you think you could make it a little snappier than recommended? The potential new captain scares me."

Kate just nodded as she felt the medications start to pull her back to sleep.

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><p><em>And you are the mother<br>The mother of your baby child  
>The one to whom you gave life<br>_

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><p>The boys had been right; she had had a lot of recovery to deal with but walking into the precinct for the first time in three months felt great. Or it would have if she hadn't been so nervous. Kate was about to meet her new captain face-to-face for the first time and she was terrified. Kate wasn't comfortable being this nervous but she had a feeling about what the outcome would be.<p>

Walking into the bullpen felt foreign. Setting her bag on her paperless desk was unnerving. Seeing Ryan and Esposito's faces split into matching grins and consecutive hugs was significantly reassuring. They tried to talk to her about a weird find on their newest case but were interrupted as Beckett was summoned to the familiar but changed office of her superior.

As Beckett returned to her desk without her badge and at least one more month of leave, pending a psych evaluation, she was near fuming. As Ryan and Esposito started discussing the case with her once more, regardless of her official status, she smiled contently. No matter what she had missed, her boys were still _her_ boys.

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><p><em>And you have your choices<br>And these are what make man great  
>His ladder to the stars<em>

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><p>The therapy sessions required before her final evaluation were more stressful than Kate had anticipated. She hated understanding her thoughts; she didn't want to know why she thought what she did when she did. It took away her ignorance. <em>Ignorance really is bliss<em>, she thought idly as she waited for her partner at Remy's for lunch.

As soon as Ryan had informed him of her consciousness, Rick Castle hadn't left Kate's side. Not willingly at least. He had been great during her recovery, with a bed to sleep in, arms to reach for things, an ear to rant at, and a shoulder to cry into. A year earlier and she would have been annoyed with his apparent need to help with everything she did. Now though, with vague memory of an admission, the knowledge of him as a man, and her newfound insight into the human brain, Kate found she didn't mind the hovering. She knew his motives and, though she'd never told him or talked about it, she was okay with his feelings as well.

So, over lunch in their regular booth, when Rick asked, "Do you want to go back?" Kate wasn't sure if her brain was thinking about the precinct or the status quo between her and her shadow.

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><p><em>But you are not alone in this<br>And you are not alone in this  
>As brothers we will stand and we'll hold your hand<br>Hold your hand_

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><p>She had been back at the precinct for just over a week before she found herself at the Old Haunt with her boys, writer included, and Lanie. The new captain was not taking to the idea of a civilian partner for her supposed "best" detective and Kate wasn't sure she could handle having to force Castle out.<p>

Ryan and Esposito had seen the uncertainty in their captain's face every time someone had mentioned that Beckett and Castle were the best team at the 12th. They had silently agreed to step back even more on Beckett's first cases back but they had seen the knowledge of their actions in Kate's eyes; they also saw the gratitude.

Kate knew that her boys were trying to make her and Castle look good. It would have bothered her if it had been anyone else but she knew they were just trying to help her out; they didn't want to see Castle gone either. She silently thanked them again as they left and when Castle departed for the night with a promise of early coffee, she knew she would have to thank him as well. Maybe even talk about _the_ words he had given her and soon.

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><p><em>And I will tell the night<br>Whisper, "Lose your sight"  
>But I can't move the mountains for you<em>

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><p>Kate had been back at the precinct for nearly three months when she noticed that Castle seemed nervous around her. Their dynamic was off kilter and she couldn't figure out why. At first Kate thought it was because Christmas was around the corner, which meant Alexis was nearly leaving. Then she thought that maybe it had to do with the extended deadline he had just past. He apparently needed to drastically reedit the third <em>Heat<em> novel. Kate just couldn't figure how that would affect the two of them directly.

Now though, standing outside of his loft waiting, _Heat Rises_ tucked against her chest, Kate knew exactly why Rick was so off in her presence. He was nervous of her reaction. Specifically, he was nervous about her reaction to the dedication that was still bouncing through her head.

_I know you heard._

_I did, I do, and I will._

_Always._

When Rick looked through the peephole in his door he felt a familiar chill, similar to the feeling of seeing police lights in the rearview. Cautious of the consequences to opening the door, Rick eased it open and attempted an air of nonchalance.

"Hey Beckett. What's up? What've you got there?" He asked dumbly and acutely aware of the pages in her arms.

"You know what it is Rick." Kate answered deliberately. "You were right. I did hear you; and I do too. So much it terrifies me. But I'm okay with it now."

Only when she had finished did Kate allow herself to smile and be pulled into the apartment and embrace of her partner. _My partner, _she thought. _In everything._


End file.
